Sorry, Charlie

 It is incredibly hard to believe that my charming Charlie has been in this world for 12 whole weeks, and yet this is the first the blog has seen or heard of him (second child problems)! So, with emotions on overdrive and as I prepare to take him to daycare and resume life as a working mother, I feel the need to pen a "Sorry, Charlie" post.

1. I'm sorry I ever doubted my desire to have you.
LET ME EXPLAIN! I've always wanted you. Even before I was old enough to drive, let alone have children, I knew I wanted to have two kids. It's what my mom had and I figured it's what I'd have. So, from the moment we had your big brother, we started planning for you. However, come May 2015, the move-in date for our new house wasn't the only thing that was late. And when I saw that second pink line (on my birthday, no less!), I panicked. I suddenly doubted my need for two kids. I questioned my ability to love another as much as I loved Tristan and worried that he would no longer receive my full attention and affection. Luckily, your daddy talked me off the ledge and reminded me that this is what we wanted and planned for all along! Obviously you were coming no matter what trepidation I may have had at the moment, but I'm sorry for being so naive to think you could somehow diminish what I had with your big brother. One of the MANY times in a mother's life she could not be more wrong. ;-)

2. I'm sorry you will never remember having my full, undivided attention.
These past 12 weeks have been nothing short of AMAZING. After dropping off your big brother at daycare, I come home and have the entire day to focus on you and only you (and big sis, Berta, when she needs to go outside, or the cats when they are trying to sit on you), it is spectacular. But you won't remember these days and the only memories you will have are of me doing double-duty with you and Tristan. It makes me sad to think you'll never experience what Tristan was able to in the first 19 months of his life, but then again, he won't remember those either, so maybe I'm getting myself worked up for nothing! ;-)

3. I'm sorry I didn't document our preparation for your arrival.
Tristan's journey to the world was well documented, as were the first 12 months of his life. I made cute signs to show how big he was in my belly and what was going during that week of growth, for you I threw up the number of weeks on the chalkboard, had daddy snap a quick cell phone pic and called it done. Since you've arrived, I've taken 10,000 pics with my phone, but I have not cataloged how big you are, what you enjoy or what you're doing as each week/month ticks by. It's not that I don't care, I just don't have enough hands (or time). A Facebook upload and Instagram post have become your baby book!

4. I'm sorry I worried I wouldn't love you "enough".
Before you arrived, I honestly had the concern about how I could possibly love another child like I love Tristan. That was, hands down, the dumbest concern I've ever had. I love you so much more than I ever dreamed possible. And to be completely honest, I loved you more sooner. With Tristan, life was completely changed the moment he was born and that type of change is one you cannot prepare for fully. Those first weeks/months are full of trial and error, tears and exhaustion and those can sometimes cloud the feelings of immense love that are no doubt present, just obscured at times. With you, there was no clouding. While I still don't really know what I'm doing (babies still don't come with instructions, even after all these years of being born!), I did know more of what to expect, and the sound of you crying wasn't as earth-shattering as it was with Tristan because I knew you were okay and I knew it would stop. It was just a deeper, instant love that I imagine only arrives with a baby that isn't the first born.

5. I'm sorry I'm not sorry for the love, obsession and addiction I have to you (and your brother).
You and Tristan are by far my best accomplishment in life and I love you with a power that cannot be put into words. My heart doubled in size the day you were born and every day since has been nothing short of amazing. I am so lucky to be your mom and while I am absolutely devastated by the rate at which you are growing and the speed with which time is passing, but I am beyond excited about what the future has in store. I will continue to photograph your smile, your belly, your chubby cheeks and everything else about you and I will continue to cherish every snuggle, every coo and every moment I get to spend with you. I would give just about anything to spend more time at home with you because I know has quickly this phase goes, infancy is such a minuscule blip on the radar and once it's gone, it's gone. But, life (aka work) must go on, so I will live by the old adage that says "don't be sorry it's over, be glad it happened". And oh-so-glad I am.

I love you, Charming Charlie.

(I could pose thousands (literally) of photos of this kid! If you want to see more, I post daily to @365ofcharmingcharlie on Instagram!)